Hosing Down
  • She Was Great in “Goldmember”

    President Von Clownstick himself is not, of course, the sole indicator of the true depth of the decline of Western Civilization. He should be regarded as more of a fountainhead (or more accurately, a sewage clog); a symbol, the nauseating face on the dust jacket of our Tome of Woe. Was ever so vile a […]

  • Diversions from Disaster

    The January 12th edition of the venerable San Diego Reader contained an interview with yours truly (along with a colorful, kissable photograph) and I am grateful for the positive response I have received from so many of you in your letters and in person, when we’ve bumped into each other at the odd antique mall […]

  • Running for Covers

    Terry Daktyll’s pale, flute-thin arm reaches up to put another cassette into the empty mouth of the VCR. It’s a recent set-closing performance of David Bowie’s “Rock and Roll Suicide,” shot in early June at a very in spot on the Sunset Strip. The camera work is quite good, the two-camera setup well edited, and […]

  • Tainted Dreams

    Hi! This is the first time I’ve ever sat down to write my column during a dream, so bear with me if things are weirder than normal. I mean normal for me, which by normal standards isn’t really too normal at all. Aw heck, you know what I’m trying to say. Or maybe not. But […]

  • Unfinished Brizzness

    The zombies are still out there and our country remains in peril. The only positive thing Donald Trump (“Il Douchebag”) was able to accomplish in this long and astonishing presidential race was to pull media attention away from the Kardashian regime for a sustained period of time. Outraged and determined to regain the spotlight, the […]

  • A Fall Class Act

    A FALL CLASS ACT From the mailbox: Dear Hose: Enough already about your liberal politics and kiss-Hillary’s-butt deviant desires. The country’s gone to the dogs and when Donald Trump makes America great again, I hope his second or third action as president is to lock your sorry ass up for libel along with all the […]

  • Save the World

    The principal virtue of democracy is that it makes a good show–one incomparably bizarre, amazing, shocking, and obscene… it has become simply a battle of charlatans for the votes of idiots.   –H.L. Mencken He may have been on to something. He’s been gone now for 61 years. How might have he reacted to democracy’s […]

  • Index of Fear

    One of the more frightening recent events I personally witnessed was when several monkeys began flying out of Taylor Swift’s butt, seemingly intent on taking over the world. Then I woke up. 60 Minutes was on and Leslie Stahl (who’s sort of scary-looking herself) was interviewing Donald Trump and Mike Pence prior to the GOP […]

  • MC, Hammered

    Recently I was requisitioned to serve as host/announcer at two separate quasi-beauty pageants. The contestants were happily of the female gender. (Thank you, God.) My anticipation as the dates drew near turned me toward delirium even as my regular life threatened to collapse, rendering me all but oblivious of the army of authoritative berserkers who […]