Hosing Down
  • A Swinging Bummer

    Phil Harmonic actually sounded serious when he called and asked me, “Could you use a hundred bucks?” He knows me entirely too well to have to ask and is himself too sound of character to suddenly lose his hard-earned marbles. As far as I am concerned, money–as opposed to people–is never to be used. Money […]

  • An Unforgettable Marathon

    This month I feel the need to eschew my grating frivolity in favor of something entirely true and, hopefully, interesting. You see, I’ve been rereading a lot of Lou Curtiss’ past columns–particularly the ones dealing with all the music festivals he’s fathered–and I’m splashing in a puddle of giddy nostalgia. Then I began wondering: If […]

  • Dead Crazy

    Finally the Foolish month has arrived and my ears are free from further assault by terms like March Madness and brackets busted. Yippee! The local television news programs had become nauseating with so much “happy talk” among the anchors about “point one percent of those 13 million brackets” and “filling in your brackets” and bracket-this […]

  • State of the Art

    For as long as I can remember, I have refused to attend the Grammy Award Ceremonies and will continue to boycott them until the day comes when they nominate me for something. Until that time, they are nothing to me but a yearly television program that brings me up to date on what’s going on […]

  • Scary Sharing

    Hose, this is your conscience. You’re getting too far out there. Try to share. Try building a rapport with your reader. After all, when it comes to reality, we’re all singing the same song. You know, you and I have a lot in common. One of the greatest things is our shared good fortune to […]

  • First Tango in Vegas

    Chi Chi Martini had called from Las Vegas a few days before my journey there to discuss the itinerary and battle plans. I was to play one set at his nightclub, The Golden Tiki, on the evening of December 7. The terms were very generous, and he would fly me there and back and put […]


    There, now. That disruptive heading is just my little way of pissing off any Politically Correct human mutants who might accidentally stumble upon this column. The ones who insist on substituting the word holiday for Christmas while being too stupid to know that the root of holiday is holy. The ones who would rechristen a […]

  • Welcome Back, Mr. Bond

    As Ian Fleming was writing his first James Bond novel, I, too, was gestating — in the womb of my mother. So, in that sense the world’s most famous spy and I are approximately the same age, in addition to sharing the more obvious traits such as our selfless desire to save the world, our […]

  • Facing the Fear

    I actually thought I was done with my rants on narcissism, just as I thought I knew myself pretty well. Wrong on both counts. Now it’s time to face the fact that I just can’t shut up about certain things when they become more powerful than my will to have done with them, more important […]