Hosing Down
  • State of the Art

    For as long as I can remember, I have refused to attend the Grammy Award Ceremonies and will continue to boycott them until the day comes when they nominate me for something. Until that time, they are nothing to me but a yearly television program that brings me up to date on what’s going on […]

  • Scary Sharing

    Hose, this is your conscience. You’re getting too far out there. Try to share. Try building a rapport with your reader. After all, when it comes to reality, we’re all singing the same song. You know, you and I have a lot in common. One of the greatest things is our shared good fortune to […]

  • First Tango in Vegas

    Chi Chi Martini had called from Las Vegas a few days before my journey there to discuss the itinerary and battle plans. I was to play one set at his nightclub, The Golden Tiki, on the evening of December 7. The terms were very generous, and he would fly me there and back and put […]


    There, now. That disruptive heading is just my little way of pissing off any Politically Correct human mutants who might accidentally stumble upon this column. The ones who insist on substituting the word holiday for Christmas while being too stupid to know that the root of holiday is holy. The ones who would rechristen a […]

  • Welcome Back, Mr. Bond

    As Ian Fleming was writing his first James Bond novel, I, too, was gestating – in the womb of my mother. So, in that sense the world’s most famous spy and I are approximately the same age, in addition to sharing the more obvious traits such as our selfless desire to save the world, our […]

  • Facing the Fear

    I actually thought I was done with my rants on narcissism, just as I thought I knew myself pretty well. Wrong on both counts. Now it’s time to face the fact that I just can’t shut up about certain things when they become more powerful than my will to have done with them, more important […]

  • Cultural Idiocy, Part 52

    Since my mention last month of the bikini babe who was mercilessly snapping selfies in the park, several of you have shared with me your own encounters with the new fad of unleashed narcissism. I recall the instant unease I experienced when I first stepped into the dwelling of a newly famous starlet at the […]

  • Get a Room

    With the culture of “selfies,” narcissism seems to have completely exited the confines of its own closet. I’ve always been fascinated by narcissism and we had a thrilling face-to-face encounter on a recent Saturday afternoon. I was riding my bike past the little park at the intersection of Park Boulevard and Adams Avenue when an […]

  • Even the Cotton Is High

    Now that we’ve officially entered summertime, I feel a strengthening of the urge to get my spring cleaning underway. First to go are a few stubborn thorns that have bruised my heel for far too long; they must be extracted and tossed over to the Useless Baggage bin before infection sets in and compromises a […]