Ceremony

Not too far back I attended a wedding. I hadn’t been to one in a while, actually, since my own. I was expecting to be bored. While charmed by the love and promises of the couple, I guess I figured it would just feel like every other wedding. It was really great to be surprised.

Growing up, weddings were very stuffy and stiff affairs. Lots of rules about clothing and seating and manners and all of those things. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, but I guess it just got done in the same way over and over again. It started to feel wrote or cliché. The ceremony started to lose its power. Folks were just sort of going through the motions, even though the couple themselves felt wonderful about it. It was hard for everyone in the room to really feel that magic. Not always but some of the ones I’ve been to were just kind of that way.

This couple made it different. They went out of their way to infuse their own character and style into the ceremony. They still told each other their vows and had an officiant pronounce them husband and wife. Those things were still intact, but the style and way they walked us all through it was intentional and meant to catch us all up in the moment. They did not fail.

They invited all of their friends the night before and had a big party putting together all the flowers. They just brought all sorts of different kinds of flowers and vegetation with them. They brought things like zip ties and tape and had the ability to create all sorts of flower bouquets and arrangements. They were all different and stylized in a very personal way. Each person put their heart and soul in it and every time you passed by one, you could feel that. There were papier-mâché decorations of the sun and the moon and all sorts of banners with personal sayings and things that were important to the couple and their friends. There were personal playlists of music curated by the guests. We were all asked to suggest a song or two for the playlist. There was a trivia game before dinner was served, which was extremely fun, especially since my table won!

There was a point where people were dancing. They DID have the first dance, but somehow it was way more sweet and wonderful because of the way they built the whole ceremony and party. I even got up and danced a little bit. Yeah, me! What the hell is that?

Well, I really learned something that I wasn’t expecting.

These ceremonies are so important, and I think we have lost sight of that. Weddings, birthday parties, funerals, quinceaneras, bar and bat mitzvahs, and so many others are integral milestones and signals to the people in our lives. I never thought they were important until now. I was just a punk rock kid and that stuff never meant much to me.

A wedding ceremony is a couple’s way of standing up in front of all of their relations and saying hey, this is my person. This is the person I wanna be with forever. This is the one that I’ll be partnering with in life and love, hopefully until we leave this earth.

The people experiencing the ceremony are changed. The way they see their relations and the new person—and their family—is deepened and modified.

The new member of the family becomes part of the family. People begin to treat them a little different. Less inhibition and less mistrust or concern sometimes. Something magic happens. It’s a chemical reaction. It’s a family thing.

I don’t think most couples go into the ceremony knowing that will happen. It really is an instantaneous change of heart. It happens to the whole group for the most part and creates an acceptance and new understanding of the depth of love and partnership for the couple getting hitched.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share with you guys that I’m remembering how powerful a personal, intimate, and simple ceremony can change everything for the good.

It doesn’t have to be filled with rules and non-personal institutions. It can just be the way you want it to be and feel the way you want to feel. In fact, that might be way more powerful.

Jeff Berkley is a San Diego songwriter, musician, and producer, whose soulful writing, guitar mastery, and visionary production have shaped the Southern California music scene. He has collaborated with icons like Jackson Browne, David Crosby, the Indigo Girls, and Ben Harper; in 1999 won the Kerrville New Folk Songwriting Award. With his bands Berkley Hart and Jeff Berkley & the Banned, he has earned multiple San Diego Music Awards, including Artist of the Year in 2023, and was inducted into the San Diego Music Hall of Fame. Berkley has released numerous acclaimed albums and continues to perform, produce, and create music rooted in heart and storytelling.