Hosing Down
  • Save the World

    The principal virtue of democracy is that it makes a good show—one incomparably bizarre, amazing, shocking, and obscene… it has become simply a battle of charlatans for the votes of idiots.   —H.L. Mencken He may have been on to something. He’s been gone now for 61 years. How might have he reacted to democracy’s […]

  • Index of Fear

    One of the more frightening recent events I personally witnessed was when several monkeys began flying out of Taylor Swift’s butt, seemingly intent on taking over the world. Then I woke up. 60 Minutes was on and Leslie Stahl (who’s sort of scary-looking herself) was interviewing Donald Trump and Mike Pence prior to the GOP […]

  • MC, Hammered

    Recently I was requisitioned to serve as host/announcer at two separate quasi-beauty pageants. The contestants were happily of the female gender. (Thank you, God.) My anticipation as the dates drew near turned me toward delirium even as my regular life threatened to collapse, rendering me all but oblivious of the army of authoritative berserkers who […]

  • A Swinging Bummer

    Phil Harmonic actually sounded serious when he called and asked me, “Could you use a hundred bucks?” He knows me entirely too well to have to ask and is himself too sound of character to suddenly lose his hard-earned marbles. As far as I am concerned, money—as opposed to people—is never to be used. Money […]

  • An Unforgettable Marathon

    This month I feel the need to eschew my grating frivolity in favor of something entirely true and, hopefully, interesting. You see, I’ve been rereading a lot of Lou Curtiss’ past columns—particularly the ones dealing with all the music festivals he’s fathered—and I’m splashing in a puddle of giddy nostalgia. Then I began wondering: If […]

  • Dead Crazy

    Finally the Foolish month has arrived and my ears are free from further assault by terms like March Madness and brackets busted. Yippee! The local television news programs had become nauseating with so much “happy talk” among the anchors about “point one percent of those 13 million brackets” and “filling in your brackets” and bracket-this […]

  • State of the Art

    For as long as I can remember, I have refused to attend the Grammy Award Ceremonies and will continue to boycott them until the day comes when they nominate me for something. Until that time, they are nothing to me but a yearly television program that brings me up to date on what’s going on […]

  • Scary Sharing

    Hose, this is your conscience. You’re getting too far out there. Try to share. Try building a rapport with your reader. After all, when it comes to reality, we’re all singing the same song. You know, you and I have a lot in common. One of the greatest things is our shared good fortune to […]

  • First Tango in Vegas

    Chi Chi Martini had called from Las Vegas a few days before my journey there to discuss the itinerary and battle plans. I was to play one set at his nightclub, The Golden Tiki, on the evening of December 7. The terms were very generous, and he would fly me there and back and put […]

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