Hosing Down

A Fall Class Act


From the mailbox:

Dear Hose: Enough already about your liberal politics and kiss-Hillary’s-butt deviant desires. The country’s gone to the dogs and when Donald Trump makes America great again, I hope his second or third action as president is to lock your sorry ass up for libel along with all the other slanderous left-wing traitors who are so clearly jealous of his wealth, looks, and genius. Until then I suggest you keep your trap shut about this great man and go straight to hell. P.S. Your last show at Java Joe’s rocked. —Vicki Marstead, Santee.

Vicki, you ignorant slut: I write the truth because I actually care about the health of our country and the proliferation of people like you, whom I call Trump Zombies. The filthy rich, narcissistic sociopath known as Donald Trump has hoodwinked half the country into believing he has the knowledge and ability to do great things for our nation and its citizens. I would think any elementary school kid would have been able to recognize his ongoing playground-bully stance for what it is: the incendiary bluster of a psychotic, emotional cripple. His recent declaration that President Obama was, after all, born in the United States, was issued with such blatant idiocy that it’s amazing he has even a single supporter left to take him seriously. Once again, he used the “I didn’t start it” childish attempt to avoid and redirect blame; the kind of stupid ruse nine-year-olds pathetically exercise and eventually outgrow. With a straight face and mock-frustrated sincerity, he actually laid the blame on Hillary Clinton and her campaign of 2008! “She started it…I am finishing it,” he boasted, as if he had never weighed in on the subject and had just appeared to affirm what any sane person would have understood from the beginning. Yeah, he jumps in to put an end to that ridiculous lie and remove the wool from the eyes of so many victims of Clinton’s deceit! No acknowledgement of his own championing of that “birthing” lie for so long, even into the current year… so of course apologies were entirely unnecessary… what an unbelievable freak.

Still the Zombies revere his every word. This one man has done more to dumb down the mental competence of our population in the last few years than any five public figures were able to accomplish, combined, since our country’s birth. Adolph Hitler would be proud. The fact that he’s gotten this far is astonishing and tragic. The possibility of him going any further is the worst nightmare imaginable.

So yes, Vicki, you’re a Zombie for Trump and as such are urged to redirect those desires to get into my pants that have clearly been bothering you. It just ain’t gonna happen.

October means costumes and candy and monsters and parties and lotsa fun, and once again the one event offering the most fun is the Ocean Beach Oktoberfest, which takes place down by the O.B. pier on Friday the 8th and Saturday the 9th. I’m honored to be doing the hosting duties again on the main stage and serenading the contestants through the many contests that offer some incredible challenges and prizes. A brand-new competition, which will be introduced Friday only, will be called Das Booty Flip and has something to do with combining twerking with object displacement. It sounds more complicated than it actually is but it will require some skill, so ladies, dust off those twerking moves and bring them down to the stage, where I’ll explain everything from the best seat in the house: right behind you.

There will also be plenty of fellowship and beer tasting and beer guzzling and the Miss Oktoberfest contest and a great number of live bands to keep the party kicking. Local musical great Andy Geib is putting together an official O.B. Oktoberfest house band, which will make its debut this year; these oom-papas are sure to  be a smash. For more information on the O.B.Oktoberfest, go to www.sdoktoberfest.com

On a personal note: this will be my fourth Oktoberfest without beer, without cigarettes, without anything polluting my exorcized body. It was the third of September (just like in “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”) in 2013 when I cleaned up my act (so to speak) and curtailed over four decades of abuse of every sort and certainly saved my own life. Didn’t do a 12-step program (and I don’t deny their importance and efficacy), I just stopped everything and toughed it out; it’s been tough indeed, but it’s probably the best thing I’ve accomplished in my life. I mention this as an example to anyone reading this who is considering cleaning up his or her act: It Can Be Done! It just sucks really bad.


I’ll leave you this time with a reminder of my ongoing gig (13 years!) hosting Sunday evening karaoke at Winston’s Beach Club on Bacon Street in Ocean Beach. We call it O.B.Okee and we’ve got a real stage and the best sound system in town and over the years have been visited by some remarkable talent. It is in recent months that the finest singer I have ever encountered has been popping in and letting loose her wonderful magic. She’s local, she’s gorgeous, and her voice has brought me to tears several times; the girl’s name is Bernadette Devera and I would pay big money to hear her in concert sometime—I just hope I live long enough to have that opportunity. Believe me, seeing and hearing Bernadette sing one song is ample reason to come down to Winston’s, where we start things on Sundays around 10pm, when about 40 singing slots are available on a fist-come, first-served basis. Thank you, Bernadette, for your help in making my job there such a pleasure. And thanks also to the other great singers who’ve been coming to O.B.Okee for so many years: Kraven and Jennifer and Jimbo and Ashley and Stephanie… bless your hearts.

And thank you, my cherished reader, for putting up with me for so long. Enjoy your October, and please vote next month!


  1. Kathy Daniels
    Posted October, 2016 at 12:16 PM | Permalink

    I love this column! Jose got it exactly straight when he called The Dumpster’s followers Trump Zombies. He was right on when he called him a narcissistic sociopath. I love the way he never minces words.

  2. Margaret hendricks
    Posted October, 2016 at 12:45 PM | Permalink

    Loved this column! Looking forward to more. Keep them coming!

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